Under the Stars

It was a perfect night for an outdoor concert. The sky was clear, the moon was full, and the temperature was low enough to wear flannel (aka the best clothing material ever!) but warm enough that I needed to roll up my sleeves. As a part of Spring Fling, Samford hosted Mat Kearney in concert. As a member of SAC, we work hard to put on the show, but we get to enjoy the perks too. For example, we got to meet Mat Kearney. Though it was awkward in how structured it was (his manger asked us to line up and we walked up to him one by one while asking questions and telling stories), he was nice and seemed pretty funny.

He was rather awkward on stage when he wasn't singing. He liked to shout "Samford"... then sing another song. I swear, he shouted Samford like 6 or 7 times. So by the end of the concert, I was kind-of getting sick of him - the music was good, but I could do without his side commentary. His redeeming grace was his final song. He started to play and it occurred to me - this sounds like Dancing in the Dark. And it was!! Such a great finale. And yes, I did do some dancing in the dark. Favorite song of the night; though sadly, it was not one of his.

Tears

There are moments when life catches up to you. When you tell yourself you are not going to cry as the tears start to roll down your face. I had that moment today - thankfully in a setting that made it less awkward and more freeing. Life is tough. Maybe my life is a little tougher than others. I don't know, but it just felt good to say the words that have haunted my heart.

My brother has addictions problems. It has been like this for my entire teenage life. So when it is time for prayer requests, I usually don't raise my hand and share. The story is long and so complicated that I find people just don't understand. That's why when I do share what is going on (even the tiniest of parts), I feel like I scare people. I can see it in their faces. I don't think people know these things about me. It's my own fault really; I don't share many private aspects of my life.

The tears flowed today because I love my brother too much. Too much - and I'm scared for him. Scared that his life is just a spiral, leading him further and further into a pit. I find that I am forced to trust that someone in this world will intervene. I cannot reach him. My parents cannot reach him. It will by the grace of God, not man, that he will ever be saved.

The tears flowed because of my pain. Because of my parents' pain. Because of the pain he causes himself.

I do not cry because my mask has been discovered. I do hold my emotions in, but at the same time, I don't wear a mask to cover them up. I am genuinely happy. I am so pumped about this summer. And I excited about the final weeks of school. This will always be a part of my life, but it will never be who I am.

Exhaustion

College can be exhausting at times. Looking at the syllabuses that hang on my wall, one would think I would have all this free time, but it's all a lie. I even believe it at times, but the fact of the matter is, I have a lot to do between now and May 13th. All day I have been checking my email constantly. I'm writing a story for Entre Nous, so I emailing this person and that, waiting for their responses. Then I'm working on Homecoming - trying to book a band for the bonfire. (And it looks like it's going to be a lot more than we hoped.) And with a normal amount of homework for CP and French, I also have this stupid e-folio I have to build for JMC. Dreamweaver is just frustrating! I've finally feel like I have made some headway on the design, but I am not super happy with my content.

Honestly, I could just rant on and on. I guess that's the power of a blog. When you are able to type faster than you can write, it makes it a lot easier to get everything out. But I digress...

I do have so many blessings in my life. My sociology class is a breeze, and since I've gotten A's on both tests, I can exempt the exam if I keep coming to class. I bought the supplies today to make banana pudding. (it's the little things that make me happy). And I am loving my job at church. Sadly, I'm taking a break this summer, just when I finally started to know everyone's names. I hope they remember me when I come back in the fall. It took them so long to remember my name in the first place.

Well, I'm going to go to the gym. I need to do something to help wake me up or I won't last much longer.

Waiting Outside of Pittman

Twenty days ago, I wrote a blog post titled "A Renewed Energy." Sadly, that energy did not seem to last long. My apologies for such a lapse. To make up for it, I've changed my look and started again with a new title: Waiting Outside of Pittman.

The last title (True Life: I live in Pittman) just didn't seem to fit. I don't really live in Pittman, but I do spend a good of time waiting outside of Pittman waiting for someone to let me in. If my life was novel filled with symbolism and irony, one could argue that this waiting around is some kind of metaphor. I think of the dorky kid wanting to be invited to the "cool" party. I don't know - it's just where my mind goes. But my life isn't a novel, and the fact is, I wait outside of Pittman because inside are people that are like my family. It took time, but without Pittman, I would not have the friends I have today. The friends that go with me to Qdoba every Tuesday, that let me sit on their beds and the ever-so-confortable rewards chair, and of course, make me laugh eberyday! Pittman is the house where these friends live, so I visit... constantly. Life would be so much simpler if Samford would just give me a key, but oh well, I don't mind waiting to be let in.

Sweet Dreams

I wish the guy from Harry's, you know the one that was dressed up like a pirate, could come and see me the song about Romeo and Juliet. "I take thee at your word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized" My heart melted.

Hope for such sweet dreams.

A Week Well Done

My week is done. I was so wise when I gave myself only one class on Friday (and made it Sociology no less) because every week my weekend start once French is out on Thursday. No I can sit play, listen to music, and put everything I need to do. Last night I rediscovered my "Pickin' on John Mayer" CD by David West. I'm currently obsessed; I've been listening to it all morning. I never gave it much thought when my brother gave it to me back in middle school. Now I find it to be the perfect music to do nothing to.

School is seeming to wind down a little. I still have assignments and homework that keep me busy, but for the most part, everyone is starting to realize the little time we have left. It is strange to think how fast freshman year has gone by. And with this school year coming to an end, I wonder how much I have actually grow since that day I moved in back in August. I am about to turn 19, yet I don't feel wiser or more mature. My mom like to tell me that I am, but nothing inside of me feels different. Maybe this is how growing up will be from now on. No longer will it feel radical, no growth spurts and major revelations. Growing up will be simpler and less easy to detect.

But let's us not get in too deep. It is only the early afternoon, after all. For now, I'll continue to listen to music and hopefully get some lunch soon. Wait for me in the mean time.

My Mood

Just spent the evening reading Evolution's Captain for CP. I've learned that Darwin at times would barely journal about his day, and instead simply write "Nothing to say" or "Went into Town." I understand his mood.

Nothing much to say. Back at Samford.

The End.

A Renewed Energy

Obviously, I have not been the most dedicated when it comes to this blog. Yes, it is the first week in April, and yes, my last post was back in February, but with today begin Easter, I feel it is an appropriate time for a fresh start. I traveled home this weekend to celebrate Easter with my family. It has been the perfect weekend to just relax (even though tomorrow I have a lot of work to d0) And with spring comes a taste of summer. On Saturday, my mom and I just laid out on the dock as my dad went here and there. Of course, the temperature is mild compared to what it will be, but it is such a wonderful feeling to just be outside all day. And of course, a weekend home would not be complete without a comical fishing trip with my dad and several late afternoon cruises. The lake is beautiful this year. With having the lake being so low in years past, it is amazing to see how glorious it is at full pool. Everything looks so alive (and not so dried out as it has been). I have such high expectations for summer 2010. Hopefully, it will be able to live up to them.

Tomorrow afternoon I'll head back to Samford for the last 5 weeks of school. School is stressful and very, VERY busy, and honestly, if I had the choice, I might choose to stay here and lay out on the lake everyday. But this is life isn't it? When you work hard, play time is simply more rewarding. So 5 weeks - I can totally do it. And I've already planned my reward for a semester well-done - Me, Harry Potter, and many days laying out on the dock. I can't wait!!