Tears

There are moments when life catches up to you. When you tell yourself you are not going to cry as the tears start to roll down your face. I had that moment today - thankfully in a setting that made it less awkward and more freeing. Life is tough. Maybe my life is a little tougher than others. I don't know, but it just felt good to say the words that have haunted my heart.

My brother has addictions problems. It has been like this for my entire teenage life. So when it is time for prayer requests, I usually don't raise my hand and share. The story is long and so complicated that I find people just don't understand. That's why when I do share what is going on (even the tiniest of parts), I feel like I scare people. I can see it in their faces. I don't think people know these things about me. It's my own fault really; I don't share many private aspects of my life.

The tears flowed today because I love my brother too much. Too much - and I'm scared for him. Scared that his life is just a spiral, leading him further and further into a pit. I find that I am forced to trust that someone in this world will intervene. I cannot reach him. My parents cannot reach him. It will by the grace of God, not man, that he will ever be saved.

The tears flowed because of my pain. Because of my parents' pain. Because of the pain he causes himself.

I do not cry because my mask has been discovered. I do hold my emotions in, but at the same time, I don't wear a mask to cover them up. I am genuinely happy. I am so pumped about this summer. And I excited about the final weeks of school. This will always be a part of my life, but it will never be who I am.